University is one of the best places in the world to have sex.

You don’t live with your parents anymore, so they can’t tell you off for taking boys or girls to bed with you. You can drink legally and get into pretty much any pub or bar you dress appropriately for, so your standards can drop as low as you want.

BUT BE WARNED!!!!!!!!!

If you have sex, you will die! Terrible things live inside of penises and vaginas and they will destroy you from the genitals upwards! Chlamydia, gonorrhoea, herpes, AIDS, Chlamydia, genital warts, syphilis and Chlamydia wait around every corner, waiting for you to walk past without a condom! Due to the fact that most of you will be drinking a little bit too much, you will also be susceptible to poor decisions, the most poor of which is NOT WEARING A CONDOM!

Well, maybe it’s not as bad as all that, but it can get pretty rough out there. Here’s a list of our most/least popular sexually-transmitted diseases.

Chlamydia: is one of the hardest to detect STIs. Half of all men and three quarters of all women will have no symptoms. It can cause sterility, which means no babies for you. Its symptoms, if any include weird gunk coming out of the end of your penis, vaginal bleeding, or both. Chlamydia is a bugger of an STI to catch, because not only does it hide itself away in your privates, but you can catch it through any kind of sex: oral, anal and vaginal. Not only can your privates get hurt, you can get it in your eye, and you can’t hide it by putting pants on your eye. Everyone will know.

New Zealand has Chlamydia rates five times greater than Australia and the highest rates of Chlamydia in New Zealand are in females between the ages of fifteen and twenty-four. Chlamydia is also called the Clap, Chlamming Up and Being An Idiot And not Wearing A Condom.

Herpes: is what causes cold sores. Imagine a cold sore on your penis or vagina. Not pretty. Herpes never goes away, but it can be calmed down through the use of anti-herpes drugs. You can catch this STI simply through skin contact with some who is having a Herpes flair up. You don’t even have to have unprotected sex to get this one. Kissing someone in a bar that has an open “Herp” will most likely result in you having the Herpes for the rest of your life.

Syphilis: Syphillis is one tough son of a bitch. It will mess you right up, damaging the brain, heart and spinal cord, as well as causing rashes and hair loss. It can be contracted through breaks in the skin or vaginal linings. Only antibiotics can kill this bastard, but you want him dead.

Gonorrhoea: is a bacterial infection of the throat, private parts or butt. Once again, not wearing a condom will result in your day being wrecked and, once again, it can make you infertile. For some reason gonorrhoea and Chlamydia are good friends and seem to attend the same parties at the same time. Symptoms for this hard-to-spell STI include pain during sex and vaginal discharge for the ladies, while men get pain in the testes, discharge from the penis and/or the butt and pain during urination. However, sometimes it has no symptoms.

So, students, stay alert. Watch for signs of STI around you. Be cautious with how much “partner testing” you do. And ALWAYS, ALWAYS WEAR A CONDOM!